Helping Children Cope with Grief and Loss

Do children react the same way to grief as adults?

Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent's death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. They may be confused about the changes they see, especially if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their survivor's displays of grief.

Unlike adults, children have limited abilities to experience intense emotions. They may seem to show grief only occasionally and briefly but the overall process may take longer. They may not show their feelings openly but exhibit new behaviors. Children often play death games as a way of working out their feelings and anxieties. No two children respond in the say way to the death of a loved one.

What determines a child's reaction?

A child's grief may be influenced by his or her age, personality, stage of development, earlier experiences with death, and his or her relationship with the deceased. The child's ongoing need for care, opportunity to share feelings and the adults' ability to cope with stress are also factors. The surroundings, cause of death, family member's ability to communicate with one another and to continue as a family after the death can also affect grief.

Children at different stages of development have different understandings of death and the rituals that surround death.

How can I help children cope with grief?

Coping with a child's grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. It may be made easier by being open and honest, taking extra time in discussing the death, using direct language and accurate words, providing reassurance and incorporating the child into the planning and participating of memorial services or funerals.

Some things that can be helpful during this time include:

• Explain your own cultural and spiritual beliefs about death in simple terms.
• Keep a normal routine for the child. The child's well being must come first.
• Recognize that children grieve differently than adults and should not be punished just because adults do not understand their reactions.
• Make sure the child does not feel at fault - that they understand their thoughts, feelings or words did not cause the death.
• Help the child talk about his or her fears and anxieties.
• Share books and videos with the child.

When should I seek professional help?

If you find you are unable to attend your child's needs because of your own sadness, ask for help. If children begin to complain about their own health, develop extreme behavior problems or experience changes in school and home routines and performance you should seek help from your physician, counselor or clergy.